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I think it's really hard to know what to expect in your first startup. Because of that, I didn't prepare my wife well for it, and we had to work through it on the fly. We learned a lot together, and ultimately discovered where each of our limits were.
At the end of the day, I chose to honor her limits and step away from running the startup in a full time capacity. The result has been a greater trust on her part and (I believe) a greater tolerance for future risk.
It's been a little over a year since I stepped away full-time, and we're BOTH dreaming about what the next startup would look like and what we need to make it work. We'll be much better prepared the next time around, but I don't think we could have done much more to prepare the first time.
It is not a simple question to answer simply because there is no answer. It all depends on the spouse's character, the nature of the relationship and the eventual money problems that may develop as result of starting a new business.
The spouse is a furious entrepreneur? The spouse will jump at the opportunity and will be part of every aspect of this new adventure! But, how often does that happen?
You have great financing behind (from investors or your own money), you draw a reasonably fat salary check every month so, what's the difference? But, how often does that happen?
The spouse has a great job with a salary more than enough to cover for a comfortable life style. The spouse is also willing to support the initiative for a certain period of time. You know you will be fine at least for a while. This happens more often but still...
Then we have a spouse that is not and entrepreneur, you depend on the revenue of the startup to make a living, you have no money and no deep pocket investors and the spouse has a modest job or no job at all? Be ready for the worse. Love can only take so much pounding!
Wil: Thanks for posting this and I believe it is a vital discussion and one that has to be had continuously as it is far from a one time discussion. I believe the conversation needs to happen long before the start-up or any entrepreneurial venture begins. So often as entrepreneurs we dive headlong into our endeavor and then have the conversation - in my case it did not happen until my wife brought it up, something I would change if I could do it again.
If a spouse is constantly at odds with the start-up, it does not mean they are against what we want to do. I find that it typically means they are wanting more of our time, presence and availability, something we should be thankful for. What it means for us, is we need to be more creative in how we accomplish our goals. We need to perhaps be more patient and willing to hear our partner out and think about the time we are putting into our venture versus our relationship.
I have found that it is not our job to "convince" or "preparing". If they are truly a partner, it is our job to listen, to be sensitive and if we are going to ask them to sacrifice, we should at the very least be respectful of their point of view and respond accordingly.
13 years, 4 startups, and 3 kids...done across 3 continents. If I hadn't gotten my wife's support, and worked to understand the extent of it - it never would have worked. Finding the line between receiving the support and understanding of your spouse and familial abandonment is a difficult task - and it changes over time.
Before kids - it was actually harder to see the line - but the "penalties" for crossing it were less. After kids, the line gets much easier to see - and the costs associated with being on the wrong side of it are exponential. My wife does an amazing job of helping to clarify the lines, as well as act as an early warning for when I approach them.
Like most entrepreneurs I'm prone to exploring rabbit holes - and as such knowing that my wife is supporting not only my efforts as an entrepreneur, but also my efforts as a husband and a father, and helping me to be the best I can at all of them has an amazing grounding impact. I know if I fly too close to the sun, she'll help bring me back to a safe altitude before harm is done.
Having long since recognized how vital and meaningful her support is - I cherish it and do my best to nourish it, and return the favor in as many aspects of her life as I can. It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking of yourself as the only one who needs support, the "lead role" in the play. Reminding myself that it's a system, and any break in the system can lead to its failure helps me keep things in perspective.
I was thinking that my wife would embrace the ambition, see the potential freedom, automatically share the dream, and just jump in where we needed a fill-in. Boy was I wrong! Most of the time, she acted like we didn't have a family business going on.
I don't have a spouse right now but I have in the past. I would say that it is important to include them in your ambitions and your desires. I remember when I was in a relationship and when I was married, it was important to me to discuss everything that I did. The problem was, they did not want to hear it so ......it is very hard to keep your spouse or significant other in the loop when they are always saying that every time you say something that you are trying to start an argument. My thing is just because I am speaking and trying to have a conversation with you, does not mean I am trying to argue. Maybe, you should listen sometimes.
I have great ideas and I always want to include my significant other in those ideas. I may even want them to participate in helping me to get my idea off the ground. No pressure though. If I could at least say what I have on my mind about what I want to do without them trying to dismiss me by saying that I am trying to argue, that would be great. Well, I guess that is why I am single because there is no one who wants to listen to me or my ideas.
My wife is a career government employee. While she is a leader, she would never do something where she has to create her income and all of the systems and processes to build a business. We finally had to just have a simple deal. I can do what I want, so long as every month our financial plan for living and retirement planning goals are met. Since we came to that agreement, life has been much better. She still gets anxious about it, but I look at that as a challenge to keep me motivated. I tried taking a couple of jobs to help make her happy. But I was miserable. So the compromise has actually helped me make sure I’m not taking risks that hurt our family and that they are calculated risks to move forward. It’s working for us.
We are either crazy or genius but we have launched our startup together and things could not be going better. Granted both overworked and tired but we are doing it together and sharing the passion and frustrations. We like to think we make a great team and have worked together before, and even have a couple of ceased startups (cannot call them failures, each one generated profit and led to the next stage of growth and brought us to where we are now).
We have been planning for this for nearly two years now, and the past ten weeks have been an incredible ride. Waking up today to find we had been approved for the AWS Activate benefits was a huge bonus, we are bootstrapped and funded by a handful of sponsors, not having to stress about our tech infrastructure costs for at least 12 months is a huge bonus. So with a doubt startups.com has contributed to the harmony in this startups married life.